Agape. Upon hearing that word, most of us likely think of something that is “wide open”, but the word holds another meaning. Love. In it’s purest form. Self-sacrificing, ever-lasting, enduring, unconditional….Love. More specifically, it refers to the love of God and Christ for man, thus it quite literally is “Christ-like” love. Agape is the ultimate example of love in it’s highest manifestation.

Agape originates from Greek origins, and appears in ancient texts to denote great, or pure affection. It then was adopted by Christians as the word to describe the love of God for humanity, and in turn, the reciprocal love of humans for God. “For love is God” (1 John 4:8).  Though we are not capable of loving at that level, or even comprehending…. it is still the guide to lead us in our lives, and the form of love we should strive towards as far as can be achieved by humans. Agape is selfless. It does not seek to gain, and it does not place conditions. Agape is loving, and doing good for others, even if they would not do the same for you.

When applied to personal relationships, agape can also be used to describe the deep love one has for their spouse and children (family). However, agape is not about drippy, gooey, sappy romantic sentiments. It is also not about a rushing chemical response “high”, or drunken butterflies fluttering around in your insides. Lust plays no part in agape—it has nothing to do with physical attraction, or sexual desires. Seeking to gain something from others, to possess them, push agendas, control… wanting to achieve status through a relationship, showing-off, or desiring constant attention ….are also common relationship elements/intentions that do not apply to agape. Additionally, obsession, or “being in love” with the idea of someone loving you, solving everything for you…is most especially not something that can be called “agape”—though ironically, it is most often in those types of situations that people will want to boast that it is what they feel for, or share with someone. Essentially, there is no “me” in agape. It is not about getting, it is completely about giving. It is quiet, deep, unconditional, selfless, unwavering love… no matter the situation or cost. Agape is the type of love that sacrifices, and puts the welfare and needs of the other before our own.

Unfortunately, agape is a difficult thing for many to understand or grasp. As someone who assists with relationships, I frequently see clients who are purely focused on the sparkly surface elements of “love”– so much so, that many instantly proclaim love and soul mate connections for every man (or woman) that walks in their door, and then try to shove them instantly into deep commitment (or even a wedding tux) before enough time has even been given to truly get to know the person, let alone develop true love for them. The focus is sometimes more on having their big princess wedding day, than on the reality and commitment of marriage itself. The notion of love and marriage has become over-romanticized and skewed for so many—-it often is more about gaining, getting attention, planning a fairytale fantasy event, playing house etc… than about truly feeling pure selfless love for another.

The truth is? What goes up, comes down. Gushy, high-flying “love”, as great as it feels, and and as addictive as it can even become… cannot possibly be maintained indefinitely. Those fluttery feelings are not love itself, but often initial chemical reactions and lust… or even fantasy-fueled adrenaline rushes from the prospect of having desires fulfilled. To forever stay in that “high” state would be exhausting, and would require endlessly giving little focus to anyone, or anything else in your life, and just… well, is not possible…. no-matter what people want to believe, or what movies and Nicholas Sparks novels shovel at us. It is after those drippy, rushy, manic feelings settle that it can be determined if there is indeed a real enduring love bond present…but unfortunately, many make their big relationship choices while in the hyper-arousal-euphoric-tune-out-reality state, and it is why so many mistakes (and divorces) happen. Often once the high-flying phase passes ( and when people become more real, and stop trying to behave, impress, or temporarily change themselves to fit with the other to achieve the glittery ring etc…) it turns out to not be at all what it originally appeared to be, no matter how perfect it seemed. We tend to rationalize, and tune-out anything that does not fit with what we hope to receive from the situation and person. Eventually the things we tried to blind ourselves to WILL hit like a mack truck, no matter how we try to deny, or wish them away. It often is a harsh reality check, yet many of my clients fall for it again and again, and even blame the men, despite the fact that they themselves have not changed how they approach relationships, and their desire to instantly gain gain gain from them.

Giving, and loving someone to “get” either in return… is not love, and is not agape— yet it is what so many do. If we all were to truly focus on developing an agape level of love in our relationships, so much would change. Agape is the kind of love that truly lasts, and cannot be shaken…. there is no upset to be had when things quiet down, nor are there unrealistic expectations for constant lovey-dovey-validating attention. It is loyal. It endures. It forgives. It supports.

Did Christ demonstrate euphoric, skip-through-the daisies love? Did he love us expecting anything in return, or to gain admiration from others? Is any of that described anywhere in scripture? No. Instead, he gave us the example of pure love which seeks nothing for the self. That may not sound very romantic, but, it is still what is truly real and solid. Sure, butterflies, and physical attraction feel great, but they should not be the soul deciding factors of love, or a relationship—they are sweet sugary frosting that can melt away, compared to the solid, lasting, nourishing “cake” that agape represents in comparison.

The ideal situation would be a relationship of two people who both feel an agape level of love for each other— who simply, deeply, unconditionally love each other without the expectation for fanfare, or to constantly be validated/adored. Really, it is mature love, verses immature notions of love. The other types of pairings? When one person feels agape, and the other is more self-seeking—it often can create imbalances of one giving far more than the other, and even making great sacrifices to try to live-up to the constant expectations/ demands of the other… and eventually the strain typically wears the relationship down. The most volatile relationship pairing is when both partners are soaring high in the clouds with their fantasy images of what they want, and what think they have/feel, and typically are seeking the “me me me” elements (though no one likes to admit they are doing that) of having someone validate them, solve their problems, and to gain the big princess wedding day (since again, that is often the focus for immature love situations that do not truly understand that marriage is not just a single romantic admiration-receiving day). Unfortunately, I see those kind of situations often with my clients, and when things finally come down to earth, it often is very shattering for both parties—especially if they rushed into big commitments while still in the euphoric stage, and without looking at the situation (and each other) honestly.

Although agape love is something that denotes Christ-like love, and is what we should strive for in general in regard to how we approach, and treat others….it also can be the true key in forming true, lasting relationships. Regardless of what your personal religious beliefs are, if you seek to love someone without selfish motivation (no-matter how well-intended you think your personal motives/needs/ reasons are), and are careful of getting involved with anyone displaying signs of immature love (it is hard sometimes to be honest with ourselves when we really desire for someone to fill that kind of role)….that is when you are most likely to have something real, and lasting. The interesting thing is, it typically is when we truly are not seeking for ourselves (when we simply love and give), that we ourselves DO gain blessings, and experience personal growth towards being the best version of ourselves that we can be. So, try not to push or rush things (anything that needs to be pushed or rushed reveals a desperate, impatient need to “cinch” things before reality, or anything can bring it “down”– rather than having a solid, secure, bond). Do not shove just anyone into the tux because they are there, and you are desperate for them to be “the one”— to love you, fill you, give you what you need. You should be able to accomplish those things for your own self in the first place, and seek relationships as a place to share, grow, and give….. not to gain, escape, or fix things that ultimately only you can truly fix for your own self.

Love to love, not to be loved.  That is what Christ taught us, and is the definition of pure, agape love.

Dear Mikki….Dawn,

It’s your birthday today. It would have been a big one. Your 30th. If things were as they should be, I know that I would have been baffled that you could be that old, because part of me still sees you in my head as that impish little girl who used to beg me to act-out Disney scenes with her, and to, “Read just one more chapter!”. We rarely got to see each other on our birthdays, but still we always remembered. Typically, I would shoot over amazon credit so that you could gorge on books, but I would like to think that we would have tried to get together to celebrate your third decade. My mind twists around images of a family dinner, or maybe even some girly escapade and fun sister time….but all of it is sweet “what ifs”. Instead, I have been giving you the only gift that I now can…..I have been thinking about you, and sending my love to you.

I would be lying to say that I have been handling things okay today. Really, the tears started yesterday, and have been creeping-up in sudden bursts since then. It’s as if all the progress I had made in the grief process has suddenly come undone…. but that is to be expected. It is your day, and thus, your loss suddenly is felt so acutely once again……for so very many of us.

Instead of thinking of the gifts that cannot be given to you today, I am trying to put my focus on all the gifts that we were given. On this day thirty years ago, a beautiful spirit was born. She was intelligent, loving, and feisty. She had a light-filled smile, and the sweetest, most contagious laugh. She filled our heads and hearts with wonderful memories….made us smile, laugh…. and love. Most especially, she gifted us with two precious children who have her brilliant blue eyes, and hold all that was most cherished by her. She left us with such a beautiful legacy of love, and taught us so much. We are the ones who have been gifted today, and every day.

I miss you so much Sissy. There are not adequate words to express the immense depth at which I love and miss you—the yearning, and brokenness that my heart feels in your absence. Thank you. Thank you for being my baby sister, for being everything that you were to everyone… for the love that you brought into our lives, and into our hearts. I hope that you feel all of the love being sent to you today, and that you know how much you are cherished. You always will be.

Happy Birthday Sweet Sister.

Love, Delaney

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I can trace it back to kindergarten. There was a little boy who frequently picked-on me, and after an incident where he had pulled my hair…..I distinctly remember the teacher telling me that he was mean to me because he liked me, and did not know how to show it. Not long after that I had a fall off of the jungle-gym, and that little boy was the one who came running to my aid. I thought that was some kind of proof and confirmation that what the teacher had told me about him was true. Unfortunately, most of us likely have a similar story stored in a mental pocket—women and men alike. We were taught that those who treat us poorly do so because they like/ love us. How ridiculously backwards is that?

I have had my past share of excusing-off negative behavior as being due to some kind of inability to “face feelings”, or being “scared”. I also constantly see clients who struggle with this issue. No one wants to believe that they really are not wanted, or that someone that they themselves love would treat them so coldly and selfishly. It is far more comforting to tell ourselves that the other simply feels so much that it scares them, thus they need to push away at times, and have breaks…..and that if they are given enough love and time, they eventually will realize that they are in love with us, and see how great we are for having been so patient, and having put-up with so much. Yes, I was once guilty of that mentality, but it at least now helps me to relate to, and be compassionate towards clients who need help with understanding the truth of their situations.

Are there ever situations where people truly are struggling with what they feel, and thus it causes them to teeter-totter? Yes, there are. Sometimes it can be due to having experienced past abuse, mental conditions, being inexperienced with the depth of feeling/ relationship, or simply honestly on the fence with the situation etc… However, no matter the reason, it still is not right to treat others poorly, let alone to teach children that negative behavior demonstrates concealed love— and that it is not only excusable, but something to nurture. Despite there being some real reasons why people struggle with what they feel (and connecting to others in healthy ways), far too many simply do not feel for the other person, and will selfishly string-them-along for as long as they can get away with it—without intent to ever truly commit to the relationship. So many clients come to me suffering from similar situations of being routinely scooped-up and dropped, shoved-away, having affection withheld from them, being blamed for the other’s issues and problems, and sometimes outright being talked to, and treated in ways that damage them emotionally. Yet, despite that, they excuse it off by saying the other person does that because they struggle with this or that thing, and that they really do love them. Many people desperately want to gloss-over and excuse-off any kind of behaviors that they do not want to shine a light on, or be honest about…..but nevertheless, they still exist, and those behaviors will continue to pop-up regardless of how much we rationalize or attempt to blind ourselves. Why do we do that? Often it is out of the fear that they are the only person who will love us…. our only chance…. thus we try to ignore the behaviors, and other factors about them that are red-flags of it not being the right match, or even of it being an unhealthy situation. We would rather twist things into having different reasons (or as being something that the person will change about themselves), and keep pushing forward with false hope that some day the person, and the situation will truly be what we desire and need— so we should stick with it.

It is natural to want to believe the best of people, and give them the benefit of the doubt, but we also have to do so in a way that is both smart, and honest (with our own selves). If the same issues and behaviors keep arising, especially after having discussed things…. you have to pay attention. Anyone can say pretty words, make claims of how they are going to improve, or change this and that, but it is what people DO that truly needs to be looked at. Whether the actions are outright abusive, result in frequently withdrawing, cheating, or even trying to force you into loving them/ into the relationship to fulfill their agendas……you have to be honest, and call it as it is. You cannot tell yourself that they say abusively critical things because they are trying to help/improve you, or that they push you away because their feelings are so strong that it scares them. On the flip-side, do not convince yourself that smothering, possessive, or clingy behavior is just because they love you so much that they cannot help themselves ( that is obsessive infatuation, not love, no matter what they say, claim, or even believe themselves). If you put blinders up to these kind of situations, and make excuses for the other person…. you ultimately will make devastating mistakes, lose precious time, have your heart utterly broken…..and worse yet, could miss-out on others who could have resulted in being a loving match for you if you had not lied to yourself for so long. It is so rare that I see the above kind of situations improve for my clients— eventually most of them end-up either empty handed, or in very damaging situations. Ultimately you do sometimes have to put yourself first, and seek-out balanced, healthy relationships that truly fulfill your needs. They do actually exist. People can truly love you, and be dependable without requiring you to ride roller-coasters, dropping you frequently, or trying to push you into the things that they want/ who they want you to be. You have to love yourself enough to be honest about what you need, and who people really are…..and walk away if the situation is not right.

Additionally, we all need to become aware of how we talk to children in regard to relationships and love. We need to break the habit of telling kids that others are mean to them because they like them/ have a crush on them…. even if we are simply looking for a way to make them feel better about how they were treated. Those kind of words plant seeds—-big ones. I see the results of those seeds every day, and it is sad to see how much people lose to the beliefs that grow from those seeds. Instead, we should be teaching children that they should not tolerate those who are hurtful towards them, as well as teach how they should be treated, and in turn treat others. It works both ways. Many are taught it is okay to treat others poorly from those very same words and examples—-that others will put-up with selfish actions and still label it as love. Some will even believe that is how you treat those that you love.

Imagine how differently many of us would have looked at, and handled relationships had we not been taught to twist negative conduct around into backwards definitions? Would you have been spared mistakes and heartbreak ?

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I was either in the third, or fourth grade. It was winter, and kids were lined-up outside of my elementary school as they waited to get onto the buses. Noise and chaos filled the air as bundled-up classmates romped around …and out of the cacophony a smiling dark-haired girl appeared, and handed a brown paper bag to me. She simply said, “This is for you, I hope it makes you feel better.” I barely had a chance to register things, let alone say anything back. She instantly darted off, leaving me with the brown bag in my hands. I recognized her. I often saw her on the play ground, in the cafeteria etc… but I believe she was a year ahead of me in age/ grade.

The line started to move, so I climbed-up into the bus as I unrolled the top of the crumpled bag with shocked curiosity. I slid into a green vinyl seat, and looked into the bag. The first thing that I pulled out was a little teddy bear wearing an orange shirt— something that appeared to have likely been from the little girl’s own toy collection. One by one I pulled out sheets of stickers, decorated pencils, and various other “little girl” things that she must have put together from her own belongings. Of special note, was a pink button pin that said,”You are Special.” I remember feeling so baffled and overwhelmed. I did not understand why she had given those things to me, and I could not find a letter, or anything to explain it. I did not even know her name, and she likely did not know mine.

That little brown bag filled with another girl’s treasures had an immense impact on me. I remember feeling so touched, and confused at the same time. And yes, it made me feel better….as if someone cared, saw me, and wanted to make me smile etc…. though I did not understand why she had done it. For days I picked-over the items one by one, afraid to use/ ruin them….because they were very special to me, and I was amazed at the kindness.

I tried to thank her during a recess that was held in the school gym (likely due to rain/ winter conditions). She smiled big at me, but then turned and ran towards some of her friends without saying anything back. I had hoped to ask her why, learn her name etc…but that never happened. We would pass smiles, and sometimes little waves at each other across the playground, and when we passed each other in the halls and cafeteria…but that was the most that we ever interacted. She remained a mystery to me.

Over thirty years have passed. It demonstrates how random little acts of kindness can remain held in the heart long after they occurred. She may not even remember me, or whatever it was that inspired her to collect items from her own possessions…. but I will always remember her. She placed that crumpled brown bag into the hands of a child who was silently struggling, and who felt alone (I was in an abusive situation). I do not know if she somehow saw that, or if maybe she had been doing a church exercise of kindness ( or something similar). Regardless, it made an impression on me. It made me feel better.

I decided to share this today, because I do not have a way to tell her how much her kindness is still appreciated. The best I can do is to share the little story/ memory, and hope that it serves as a reminder to all of us (including myself), of the power (yes, power), that we all have to affect others in a positive way. We have no way of knowing how much even a smile and a positive word could mean to someone, or if a small thoughtful act might arrive at a time that they most need a glimmer of light. If you feel a prompting to say, or do something for someone…. no matter how small…..try to act on it. It could be a special “nudge” meant to help someone who is concealing their struggles.

To the little dark-haired girl…..Thank you.

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I see a lot of hurt people come through my chat rooms, and also a variety of different perspectives, reactions, and coping methods. Of them all, the most damaging is when people let how others treat them dictate not only who they are, but also how they in turn treat others. Sometimes people feel justified in being cruel in response to the actions of others, and feel it is somehow in their right to pay someone back. What’s more, people often defend their wrongful actions towards those who have not even hurt them ( by saying they are somehow excused, due to how others treated them in the past). These people often remain trapped, and held back by pain that does not really heal….and by the belief that causing the same pain in the person/ people that harmed them (and sometimes even in those who are innocent) will somehow take their pain away. It doesn’t. It does the opposite.

How other people treat us, what others give and do not give etc… does not need to define us, nor does it set any kind of standard (or rather, lack there of) that we must use in our own interactions with others. Yes, it hurts. Sometimes what others do and say can even be shattering, but the true way to rise above that pain, and to not let that person continue to affect you in negative ways…. is to not pass it on, or create a chain of harmful actions. Show them that they did not take away your light—that you can still love, and be kind to others.

We have all seen the verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (typically on cute home decor, pinterest memes etc…). Often they are reduced to just focus on the first words, or the first line…and the rest of it is lost, or ignored. The Kings James version is a little different ( charity is in place of the word love, and the wording is a bit different, but otherwise the same meaning), but I am going to use what most will be familiar with for the purposes of this blog.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

Essentially, those verses not only define what love is… but also what it is not, and should not be. Love is not about feeling jealousy. It is not something to show-off, and brag to others about…. nor something to view as a means of gaining personal status and validation from others (outside of the relationship). Love most certainly is not about causing harm to others. Additionally, real love cannot be found in someone who is just seeking to have their own desires fulfilled, rather than truly loving the other person. When we truly have love in our hearts, (even when we have been hurt or wronged)….we should not lash out in anger, or bitterly cling to every mistake and bad deed someone has done. Love does not exist in anything that is vindictive, let alone feeling pleasure in hurting others—regardless of what they may have done. Love is supposed to be something that shields not just others, but our own hearts. We should continue to see the best in people, and strive to move forward. Not only should we seek to remain open to love….. but to give it generously as well. It is a recipe of sorts. It says not only what love is, and isn’t— but also how we should, and should not react when we have been hurt, or even betrayed… especially if there is truly love within us.

Often, a person’s true character and depth of feeling will be revealed not during periods where things are going as they want (or lovey, romantic etc…), but rather when there are trials, conflicts, or when pain has been inflicted (be it intentional, or not). We can hold our heads up and act with grace, show our strength and dignity…. or we can try to “get back” at that person, ridicule them, cause harm to them, make things difficult for them etc… Even if we have to leave a situation for our own best interest, it can still be done in a way that does not stoop down, or put focus on lashing at the other person (especially in public ways). Ultimately there is nothing to truly be gained in seeking revenge. It is not noble, it does not reflect truly having ever loved the person, and it will not change anything, or make it better for you. Revenge might bring a temporary flare of twisted glee, but once that has burned-out, you still will be left empty-handed and heart-broken… because it won’t take the pain away, or fill any holes within you. Hate cannot heal.

So what can heal? Love. When we show grace and forgiveness (even if it is with the understanding that we can no-longer have someone in our lives) it is not just about the other person. Forgiveness is also about freeing our own selves so that we can move forward, and be free to continue living and loving without the weight of pain, anger, and hate on our hearts. When we react in anger towards another person, it may serve to make them feel justified in their choices and actions. However, when we show forgiveness, compassion etc…that is what truly might make someone take pause, and see the contrast in how they themselves behaved. It is through responding to things with love and kindness that we can grow, as well as help others to learn via being an example, and breaking the chains of repeated acts of hate ( which so often can pass person to person, and even through generations).

What about what others do not give? Just because others have ignored suffering, rejected you, or not helped you when you held your hands out….does that mean it is right to deny them (or others) in the same way when they are in need? Will that make us feel better, or help us to grow to become someone compassionate and kind? Again, we do not need to let others dictate what we do, or who we are in this area either. To some it seems strange that the poorest people (and those who have been denied love) tend to be the most giving, and the most loving…. however it is not odd at all. Often it is those who have gone without, and who have been denied and hurt….that truly understand, are able to see, and thus are also the ones to feel strongly compelled to prevent others from feeling that kind of suffering.

I wish I could say that I have always responded to things in love. Years ago, when my mind was racing with confusion, heartbreak, and the sense of being thrown away…I did something that I now regret. I listened to others who told me that I needed to demand something back, and that I could not let anything more be taken from me. I did not even care about it, and would not have even thought about it on my own… but at that time I felt “stupid”, and did not trust my own instincts. I went against myself, and let myself be convinced it would somehow conclude things. I have wished ever-since that I had let it go, and just gone with my own heart on the matter. I tried to at least handle things better, and more respectfully after that… and the mistake taught me how not to “resolve” things. In the end, we still have to live with our own selves, and find our own ways to find inner resolution and peace…. and it is hard to achieve those things unless you truly let go and forgive. Sometimes we have to forgive our own selves as well.

So, whether you are hurting now, or find yourself facing a difficult situation in the future….try to resist that instinctive urge to slap back. It is not just about coming to peace with the person who has caused harm, but also about loving yourself enough to not be dragged-down, or to eventually experience guilt for actions that did not reflect the person you are, or want to be. Let love guide you, not pain or anger.

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So, this is another “conversion” post. The following was pulled from my comments on a discussion this last weekend in a church chat group. I have actually thought of writing a blog post along these lines previously, so decided to just lift this content, and maybe edit/ add a bit more to it. 🙂

The conversation started when a group member posted a picture showing a former model and her husband ( who had his arm around her). The woman had been severely disfigured from burns, and yet her husband remained with her because it was the contents, not the package that he loved. The conversation that followed largely discussed various angles of how people put importance on superficial elements when selecting their relationships/ marriage partners, and the complications that arise from that issue.

The reason I had personally already been thinking of a blog along these lines is because for some while I had been telling myself that I was going to wait until I was finished with my weight loss before I attempt dating, socializing more etc…and it finally dawned on me how backwards that was, and even the opposite of what I would advise someone! If anything, I think the extra squish that I currently have could serve the function of helping me to determine who is genuine, and who can truly see ME, and not just my packaging. I don’t want someone to desire me purely for my body, even if it seems like I have to perfect that element in order to be loved by someone. My body really has no part in who I truly am, and is only a temporary vehicle for my true self… and I know she is beautiful…scars and all. Yes, I am losing the weight for my health, and to achieve various other goals. It is not a matter of “if”, but rather “when”, that I will be down to a healthy weight and size. However, if I was to encounter a man who wanted to wait to pursue things until that day comes, or if someone were to brush me off, but then suddenly show-up and have interest once I am a smaller size….. that would be a huge red flag to me. It would indicate that they were putting importance on my appearance, and using that as the deciding factor instead of my heart, personality, intelligence, talents, passions, quirky humor… etc…So in a way, these pounds that I still have to lose perhaps are a little blessing in the form of helping me to truly see what a man places focus and importance on, and thus can assist in avoiding big mistakes.

Of course we all put some importance on whether we are attracted to someone we are considering for relationship potential, however the problem is when some people make it the number one factor…and then later seem confused when certain crucial elements do not fit, or are not even there. Physical lust creates the release of chemicals in the brain that manufacture a false sense of being in love—pretty much instantly, despite not even knowing the person. Oh those pesky chemicals ( which I wrote about in a previous blog!). They send people soaring, blind to reality, and make people over-look all the other missing elements because that chemical reaction convinces them it is all real, and it makes them feel sooo good. I personally advise clients to wait a good six months before making any crucial choices in their relationships for this very reason, it can sometimes take that long for those chemicals to die-off/reduce enough to determine if there is real connection, and if they truly love each other for who they are on the inside… and not just for the response to the physical, and image of what they want them to be. We would have drastically lower divorce rates if people were required to wait six months…heck, preferably a year.

Something that always causes me to scratch my head? People tend to worry about what OTHERS will think of them if they date/ marry someone deemed as less than perfect in appearance. So they put their aims on thinner, younger, prettier, taller, handsomer etc…. not understanding that often THAT is what will make other people roll their eyes, and see them as being superficial in their choices—the only people it impresses are other superficial people who we should not be concerned about, let alone emulating. The real truth, is that when others see a man with a woman who maybe is plump, has a handicap, or some kind of physical “imperfection”, THAT is when people think good thoughts about his character, see him as someone who truly loves the woman, and who is a good person who can look beyond the temporary package. People get it so backwards for petty reasons. Pretty faces can easily be found everywhere… but pretty faces can be deceptive and mask problematic content, and they are temporary. Good souls/ hearts are the true treasure, the elements that should truly be searched for… and are what will remain for eternity. It just does not make sense to put higher importance on having a few mortal years with a beautiful face/ body (before it ages/alters, no less), in trade for eternity with someone whose contents are not beautiful. Imagine choosing a pair of shoes and dismissing that they are too small, and that they chafe you raw….all because they are “really shiny and pretty”. Now imagine those as being the shoes that you will wear for eternity. I think most of us, if we were told we had to choose only one pair of shoes to wear for eternity…would want a nice comfy pair of sneakers that we know will fit us perfectly, will not pinch and rub, and that will truly last and allow us to move freely— go where we want to go, and do what we want to do. And yet, so often people reach for the six-inch shiny stilettos when looking for their mates.

I say all of this as someone who has heard (and read) the words, “I am worried others would think less of me if I was with you…..” No one should hear those words, let alone someone who is a good person ( who has not committed any crimes, or actively done something bad to legitimately cause concern in others)… simply because they are not considered physically beautiful enough to give the other some kind of perceived social-status gained by impressing others with what is holding their hand. Other people do not have to spend eternity with your choice, only you do.

Fortunately, I am older and wiser now…and know my own worth. Back then, it seemed natural to accept those words as true, and I even felt apologetic for not being more attractive. I blamed it on myself, saw it as my lacking…. when really it was his. Today, if someone were to say those words to me…..I would be out of the door before they could say anything else. It would be the ultimate display of true colors—not only putting their highest focus of value on the most superficial factor, but also putting higher importance on the assumed impressions others in passing “might” briefly have….instead of considering all the real factors and beauty that the person contains. What’s more, the people who make their choices of partners via those kind of criteria often end up with bad choice after bad choice, and can’t figure out why their relationships never last/ work. They do not understand that they need to choose a different type of person. Sometimes they don’t WANT to understand, and hope that eventually someone of “that type” will give them what they really need and crave. I go in circles with my clients who have this issue. Essentially….it is like eating a pretty cupcake that may initially give you a mouthful of sweet deceptive frosting, only the cake itself is made out of sawdust. Over, and over, you reach for the same cupcakes…and sputter and spit in bafflement, all the while ignoring the hearty muffins that actually would taste good, fill and sustain you etc…simply because they do not have the pretty frosting. Sawdust is not very digestible. Eventually it will make you sick, even if the frosting initially was sweet….but frosting won’t nourish, or fill you for very long.

Not long ago I saw a video of an experiment. Both a man and a woman made dating profiles, and set-up meetings with others. They then were made-up in “fat suits” for when they met those people. They were the same people as in their profiles and profile pictures, just they appeared heavier once they met with people in person. The experiment was to see if people could look past the physical/ the weight and to the real person, or if they would be superficial and ride the person off because they were over-weight. Most of the women were able to adjust, were understanding, and gave the man a chance….they laughed, danced with him, and even set-up future dates. Most of the men were downright rude to the woman, made outright comments about her appearance, and showed their obvious lack of interest in her beyond that. One left for the restroom, and never came back. The thing is, in real life, people live in fear of rejection due to physical imperfections…..they hold back from dating at all, or maybe only post pictures that are older, or only show their faces in the hopes that maybe someone will give them a chance, talk to them, and then like them enough to accept them when they reveal they are heavier. They do not want to deceive, but they have been hurt, and hope to find someone who can love them for who they truly are.. and who will look at them/value them as more than just a body. I counsel relationships. Over and over with online situations people express how worried they are that when they meet in-person the other will discard them due to not being happy with what they see…. regardless of how great their interactions have otherwise been. I can say, it is most typically the men who drop the women due to being disappointed with appearance. I rarely see scenarios of women passing on men for physical appearance reasons. Women are typically are more concerned if the guy was lying about being married, their age, criminal past, or some other type of scam—–things that truly do impact a relationship/ indicate a bad person. Being overweight does not make someone a bad, unworthy person.

Perhaps something to consider when we ourselves want to know whether we truly are in love with someone, just lusting/ riding the chemical high, or in love with the idea/ appearance of them? Truly picture them as being a hundred pounds heavier……and then ask if we still would want to spend eternity with them. It’s a visualization method to help us consider what is truly inside of a person, and if we love THAT, or if we are putting our focus on the external temporary factors of that individual. It has to be honestly done though to work, you truly have to consider it as something real, and try to focus on if the content and heart are truly the elements you would want if the body was different. Technically, people DO gain weight, lose hair, get wrinkles..so its not unreasonable to truly do that kind of visualization exercise.

The funny thing is? When we truly love someone for the beauty inside of them…it then transforms our complete view, and makes them beautiful on the outside as well. That is not a myth, it is very true. However, the same cannot be said in reverse. Once sour contents are discovered…what previously seemed so beautiful is transformed into something completely different for us. One of my favorite classic novels is “Jane Eyre”. The title character is not considered a beauty, but rather is seen by others as plain, solemn…something easily over-looked. However, hidden under the surface, Jane is a woman with keen intelligence, talent, strength…and a loving gentle soul despite a dark, lonely past. The leading male is not handsome, is not perfect….he broods, he is haunted, he is flawed…..and yet the two fall quietly in love via the resonating depth discovered within one another… and then see each other as being beautiful. Its not a dashing tale of gorgeous people having a mad passionate whirlwind of floaty, rushing, fantastical love… and heaving bosoms and throbbing loins…. but rather, it is a story that for once depicts what true love is, looks, and feels like. Time does not change that, it holds true.

For any who read this who may feel that others will not desire, or love them based on appearances/ superficial factors….try to instead tell yourself that you are blessed. When you find love, it will most likely be for real reasons, and for a true lasting bond based on the right factors….and anyone who rejects you, or passes-over you for surface-level reasons will be the ones who will truly experience loss, even if they are not able to understand that. Those who fall in “love” with outer-shells( and ignore what is missing, or wrong with the contents) are the ones who will experience the repetition of heartbreak in a long string of failed relationships, repeat the same mistakes with their choices, and will potentially spend their lives lonely and unfulfilled as they over, and over, again seek love from deceptive places where they will not be able to truly find it….unless they finally learn, see, and are able to change how they view others, and what their concept of love is. That may sound harsh, but that is what happens to most who do not learn to see (and value) what is truly important within people, most especially those they choose for romantic companionship. If that statement just offended anyone who read this, than maybe it would be a good thing to consider why you had that kind of reaction. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true nonetheless.

Close your eyes. Let your soul see their soul, and nothing else. That is what eternal choices should be based on.

I often have conversations and/or responses to articles etc… via facebook, forums, groups etc… that I intend to transfer over to my blog ( and often even state that intent once my responses/ thoughts on things evolve into length that is more appropriate for blog entries, lol). So, today I am going to try to convert a couple of things over with a few edits to help with the transition.

A few months ago a friend posted this article to my wall, and asked me for my thoughts on it.
http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/study-links-social-anxiety-to-high-iqs-empathetic-ability-sentinel-intelligence/

Essentially the article discusses studies done on the links between spirtually-minded people, anxiety/ mental disorders, and high levels of intelligence. The point of debate in the article was how mental illness links in—-whether having spiritual understanding makes you more susceptible to mental health issues ( and vice versa), or if it simply is a result of being more aware of the concerns and suffering in the world…. thus creating more worries, and being able to see/ understand things that others do not. Additionally, the article discusses the connection of high-intelligence with those who report having anxiety ( higher the IQ = higher level of anxiety), and whether it is possible that anxiety is actually an “evolutionary advantage” that serves to help to detect threats, danger, know when things are not right etc…. much akin to the instincts and awareness that animals have (studies found those with anxiety were able to detect threat while others could not). All three elements are then connected as the possibility of being psychic/ spiritual gifts, and not really mental disorders…. but rather common factors found in those who have extra-sensory abilities to see and receive information that others cannot—-be it emotional states of others, detecting danger, potential future outcomes and the like. It could be a case similar to how the symptoms/ components of an illness can be recognized, but seen incorrectly as the source, rather than the larger ailment that is missed. Spiritual gifts are not an “ailment”, however I just saw the correlation in how things are sometimes incorrectly labeled when the larger picture is not seen or understood.

So, now that I have summarized, I will transfer over my original posts/ thoughts on the article.

Okay, Lots of thoughts on all of this. I guess I am the right person to ask considering I typically score 142 or higher on IQ tests, am highly empathic/ psychic, and also have anxiety issues, lol. Bare with me, this may span a couple of posts. I can say there definitely are links between all three, but the article definitely is not exact, or true for all circumstances or people.

Firstly, the link between empathic sensitivity and anxiety is VERY real. I have seen this countless times over the years both with people who know they are empathic/ gifted in that way, as well as people who really have no clue that they are because its just a normal/automatic input that they use without really being aware of it. One of the largest signs, symptom whatever you want to call it….. is when people get really antsy/ pressed-in feeling when around a lot of people, even if they normally are an extrovert. It especially is true when around a lot of CRANKY or stressed people (sometimes its a feeling that can result even from being around a single person who gives off negativity, or who maybe poses as some kind of threat to us—-inner alarm bells). The reasons for this is, empaths are like sponges. I myself am VERY good at grounding/ blocking things out etc… however, little trickles get through none the less. So imagine being around a couple hundred stressed-out people ( such as stressed-out holiday shoppers)….that means all those little trickles get absorbed, and add-up. It then creates that pressed-on anxiety feel, even if you initially were fine being around all those people. In reverse, an empath can also pick-up those very same trickles when they are around a lot of happy people—say a performance, sporting event, happy event of some kind…and can gain a “high” of sorts, and be giddy and super happy in a way that is beyond the norm. If you are someone who experiences the obvious mood-response depending on what is around you, that is likely all the more reason to consider that you have empathy rather than anxiety. Warning, Disneyland is NOT the happiest place on earth for empaths ( I love it anyway!)…no matter how happy you are to be there, when you get in those long lines surrounded by tired, irritated, hot, foot-sore people, it just becomes a bit hard to tune-out. Its quite literally a sensory overload of sorts that happens—-imagine it as having high beams turned on right in front of your eyes, or standing right next to massive speakers that make your ears ring. Your body reacts to the over-stimulation, and struggles to process all of it —just as when any other sense is overwhelmed.

Typically, my advice to people who have the issue of anxiety-like responses when their “gifts”/ sensory abilities are overwhelmed….. is to find a place that is either alone, or even just has a greatly reduced number of people. This can be a bathroom, a changing room, a seat that is a bit removed etc…. and take just a few minutes to breathe, focus on letting it go etc…. and then typically it will ease-up/ lift etc….especially if it really was a reaction to receiving too much sensory information. When a light is too bright, or music too loud… you turn it down to ease the reactionary symptoms, right?

However, not all anxiety experienced by those who have spiritual gifts is linked to that sensitivity. My actual anxiety issues are not really connected to extra “sensory” ( for the most part)….for me it is two specific areas that have to do with some past experiences that have created self-protection mechanisms of sorts that are hard to get past even when I want to. Kind of like feeling tethered/ held back, clenching up tight and feeling locked down/ constricted….it can be hard to release it and step forward…even when I want to do so, and when I logically know that I am safe. I typically can differentiate between the sources—–BUT, I am pretty highly self-aware, and not everyone can recognize the source, in fact many people do not even know what it truly is/ where it is coming from etc… thus why some may be confusing generalized, or social anxiety with heightened sensory input/ gifts.

There are two things mentioned in the article as being common for those who have spiritual gifts. Neither of which I agree with (or have seen) and I know many who are in this category (of having gifts). There are a lot of misconceptions out there, which is why I think many people are quiet, or even scared to explore/ develop themselves in that area—meaning, because of fears of how others will react, what they will think of them etc…I know that I personally have received very negative responses from people throughout my life, often those who I could have helped had they been open to simply considering, rather than just labeling me as being “nuts” (even when things I have shared were revealed to be true). I have been professionally helping people with my gifts for years, been involved with psychic crime studies, and have thousands of five star ratings and feedback detailing accuracy, how I have helped them etc.. yet I still feel hesitant in sharing that part of myself with everyone due to the risk of negative reactions, and the assumption that I am lying or crazy. The same is true of everyone else like myself that I know, and its not fair that people cause us to doubt our own selves, and even feel ashamed of our gifts that help bring clarity and healing to others. It is backwards. These issues contribute to stigmas, confusion etc..and why sometimes those who are gifted get labeled as something else, struggle in the dark, and fear if they speak of certain things they are experiencing others will think they are crazy…. and sometimes they themselves even fear that they are.

I have not personally seen a link with mental disorders and those who are gifted (other than the connection with anxiety/ over-stimulation). In fact, its usually the complete opposite. Spiritual workers typically are people who are very loving, grounded, stable, highly intelligent, and have a greater understanding of how things, people etc.. tick…and thus why so many essentially become “healers”, and a help to others. I have however noticed a special “connection” via my own experiences and conversations. Many with gifts seem to have experienced hardships when very young, so I do think there could be a link there. It may be due to having had to develop and depend on extra sensory to determine threats, moods, bad people etc… to keep ourselves safe. Some people speculate that it could be a form of being “marked”, “blessed” etc… in some special way, and thus maybe the trials etc… were a training ground of some kind to help us develop the use of our gifts, and thus combined with what is learned from the hardships— the ability to in turn help others. Again, its only speculation, but… I can say that I have often discovered that the things I learned might not have appeared to result in a gain for my personal life, but rather gave me knowledge that has instead impacted/ helped with countless other lives…. and to me that is the larger blessing, and has given me immense comfort, and even peace regarding understanding the “why” behind things, as well as has strengthened my faith. Sorry if that is a bit left-field, but just sharing some personal experiences and insights regarding possible connections and reasons for those who have spiritual gifts…. really, there is no way to be sure, but for myself, even if people think that I am a string-short of a full lute, I know what is true, and I have seen how much those gifts have helped, and affected others in positive ways. I even feel kind of selfish and conceited in a way to take credit—it is just different than say, with singing, or drawing, even though I have spent years learning how to hone, be open, trust what comes to me etc…

Another misconception is that those who have gifts are a bit “out there”….believe in crazy things, surround themselves in incense and crystal balls, and are not really in touch with reality. Wrong. The only people I have seen do this were those who actually were not really genuinely gifted, but rather either wanting to make others think they were for whatever reason ( and thus thinking due to misconceptions that is how one acts/ pretends), or because they truly had some kind of mental condition that had them out of touch and believing nonsensical things. These are the types that make those in the spiritual community groan when they pop-up, because not only does it feed misconceptions, but it also typically means others will have to mop-up the damage they create in misleading people who turn to them for help. In general, most of the spiritually-gifted that I have interacted with actually feel deeper connections to their chosen religion/ beliefs due to their experiences, are well-grounded, and are otherwise just regular people…. your neighbor, that nice lady at church, your third-grade teacher….. it really is indiscriminate. Its usually not something people sought or created, it just happened.

Intelligence. Yes, it does link to both anxiety and gifts. Often those who are very intelligent have the need to debate, look at all angles, solve puzzles, prepare for all possibilities etc….I know I do. Sometimes the more we know, and the more we look at things…the harder it is to just leap. Instead, far more likely to have stress, feel held back, worry about a multitude of consequences that can be seen etc…. its part of the draw back of being able to see, and understand the larger picture, and the grinding wheels behind it all. I see these issues even with my very intelligent clients, they often are more likely to feel anxious about making their choices…. in part because they tend to put more weight/ importance on things, and over-think all of it. Thus comes the phrase, ” too smart for your own good”. It happens. It can have draw backs in personal lives–especially when people over-think, and complicate their own feelings, reactions, and communications with others ( *cough* guilty*cough*). As for those with gifts, they too often are very intelligent, and have the ability to see beyond, into, how and why things and people click, how to solve issues etc…. for me, I often feel like I am interpreting and untangling internal individual languages, and sorting through the multitude of layers people build-up within themselves. It essentially is code deciphering at times….. not sure how else to explain it…we all interpret our gifts in different ways. Additionally, interpreting dreams, and other messages that can come in the form of symbols, representations etc…requires a special understanding/ intelligence etc.. as well.

As for mental disorders other than anxiety linking to intelligence and having gifts….. I really cannot say. Though I had ptsd a decade ago, that was circumstantial and not due to natural wiring or chemistry ( and my two specific areas of anxiety stem from that in ways as well). I actually am a naturally calm person who leans towards being positive, cheerful ( I rarely get mad, do not like to fight/ raise voice) etc… and I do not have depression issues. I can see how for those who are deep thinkers though, it could be perhaps easier to get sucked down within. I personally think it just really depends on the individual, and various other factors that determine the pre-disposition for those kind of issues.

So, in closing I just want to add… Sometimes the anxiety-like tension ( for those who are gifted) can simply be because you are blocking-out gifts, information, messages etc… that are hammering and pressing away in muddled confusion…and when that is the case, typically what is needed is time alone to get in-touch with yourself…pray, meditate, whatever it is that you need to clear and open yourself into a better place of reception so that you can de-tangle it all, and let the messages through. Many report having anxiety-like experiences, headaches, inability to sleep…etc… when they were denying, and ignoring their gifts/ insights/ revelation ( however you prefer to term it). I have experienced that myself. It does not just go away, it builds-up, and keeps pressing at you until you look at it and accept it….its another one of those things that may sound crazy without having experienced it first hand. The main key to receiving insights/ connecting to your gifts? Trust. You have to be able to completely calm and silence everything else rattling in your head, and go with what initially comes to you without doubt, without twisting it etc….this is one of the reasons those who are gifted struggle with reading for their own selves, or those close to them ( maybe a mechanism to keep things fair?) It sounds so easy, but it is not… trusting ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. When I help people, I kind of step-away from my own self in a way, and try not to second-guess what comes to me…. its kind of like turning pages of a book, only instead its info that just pops in my head. Sometimes it can be hard for me to keep up with it. It never fails… when I am calm, trust, go with it etc.. things that otherwise may sound odd to me, ALWAYS mean something to the person that I am helping. It is the same for when we need to sort out what insights we do receive for our personal lives… have to try to be clear, and trust without layering it with our wants, doubts, desires, concerns etc….When you do receive clearly, you will know. The pressing stops/ lifts, and does not come back. Again, this demonstrates why gifts and anxieties seem so alike each other, connected.. or maybe even one and the same. It is up to the individual to explore and determine.

Oh, the seductive croon. It has that way of cradling us with darkness, and slyly sinking us further downward and downward, singing of things that resonate with our pain, needs, sadness… seeming to commiserate and somehow help, when in reality what it truly succeeds in doing is pulling us into a place that can cage us with our utmost fears, suffering, loneliness, shame…. guilt. Part of the appeal is that it can seem like a form of self-love (somehow addressing and patting our hurts when the rest of the world is oblivious), and can also be perceived as a form of self-protection. It is so easy, so tempting… and like a siren, it has a way of lulling us too deep, and into places that can be hard to climb out of. Self-pity.

Life is hard. Love can break us. People can be cruel. It is normal to hurt, and want comfort….and self-pity is something that has a way of masquerading as comfort. Pity whispers to us, convincing us that our pain is greater than that of others, and that our suffering is unlike anything anyone else would understand or ever experience. It can become almost like a deceptive trophy of sad achievement that serves to validate our belief that our pain is mountainous, and thus we are justified in the self-sorrow that we continue to dwell in, as well as other behaviors that may cause harm to ourselves….and sometimes to others as well. It can become almost addictive to reach for that wound, that place… and pick at it, dig into it etc…which not only keeps the wound open, but even can make it fester and grow beyond the original wound and misery.

No one likes to admit that they indulge in feeling sorry for their own selves… and yet we all do it at some point, and sometimes so excessively that the truth can get distorted. It can become hard to think clearly, or see the world in any other way. Dark-tinted glasses obscure everything, and an automatic mental habit of sorts can form. This of course is a personal issue that I often see with clients, and there tends to be one of two contrasting trends that appears—-either the person wants to direct all the blame for their problems at others, and feel sorry for themselves because others have ruined their lives in some way…..or, it is the opposite….they absorb all of the blame onto their own selves. Oddly enough, with the first, they tend to often be a big part of the cause of their own situation (such as blaming their actions and choices on others to avoid responsibility, or blaming the results on others for not fixing it for them etc… ), and often those who are quick to batter their own selves feel that is an easier solution than looking truthfully at others, and often can be desperate for a way to gain a sense of control in situations where it otherwise is missing. “If I am to blame, I can aim everything at myself, and have a sense that it is something within me that I can eventually control and change, even though really this pain was created by someone else who doesn’t care to set the wrongs they did right.” Despite being different forms of perspective, both angles have similar results—they trap people into mindsets that can be restrictive to seeing the truth, and finding genuine solutions.

Self-pity can at times develop into a form of being selfish—especially when it involves being completely centered on your own self, and possibly seeing/ putting your needs, hurts, experiences etc.. at being of greater importance than that of other people. However, it is also important to recognize when it becomes more than that… when a loved one is so deep into it that they can see no way out, and reject anything else for their own selves. That is when it can become not just a debilitating habit, but rather something that should require attention and aid.

So, the most common things that I see people say? “I do everything wrong, nothing will ever work out for me, no one will ever love me. Its not fair that others get everything so easy. Its not fair that everyone else gets to have what they want, and its just handed to them. I might as well not try, hope, reach etc… because it all will be the same. No one has ever hurt like I have, no one has ever suffered in the way that I have…” Its important to not allow yourself to get swept into mindsets that compare everything to others—-everyone has their own trials and suffering, and it is not our place to make assumptions, or put ourselves in a form of higher status or priority of sorts based on those assumptions.

Another destructive result of self-pity is that our fears and mistakes can gain control over us. That crooning song tells us that anything we do or touch will be demolished, and that nothing will ever be good, or right for us. Fear-based mindsets restrict our ability to grow, learn from our mistakes in productive ways, discover better/healthier solutions…. and ironically, because it limits a person’s view and ability to truly try different options, and to trust their own selves/judgment… they often end-up reaching for familar/ similar choices and methods….and when the results once again result in failure and pain, it serves as more confirmation that good things are not meant for them ( without being able to see that they are continuing in the same patterns). It is basically, sadly, leading one’s own self blindly onto the same path again, and fulfilling a self-prophesy of sorts that places one right back into what they fear most will happen. Sometimes what I see are situations where people lock-up, and miss-out on good opportunities because they tell themselves it will go badly…. however, when that familiar situation appears….they manage to convince themselves when they see reasons that it will not work that it is just their fears speaking again, and that they need to ignore, and push past them. An analogy I once used with someone who would frequently run from the good situations, and yet dive right into the ones that they truly should have heeded their initial inner voice on…is that essentially its akin to having a clear, open path ahead of you, obvious good things heading in the right direction…. and yet you stop the car in the middle of the street, and do not proceed because your fears convince you that there could be something bad down the end of the road. However, when you are heading down a street that is blocked with obvious obstacles (when there are obvious legit reasons from the start that make it so you cannot reach a real destination—such as getting involved with someone who is not available etc…) that is not the time to tell yourself that your doubts are just your fears speaking again, and then slam your foot on the gas. You will eventually hit those obstacles head-on. So that is essentially something to think about when you want to determine whether it is your fears speaking, or truly your gut/ logic/ the spirit. There is a difference between genuinely recognizing why/when something is not the right direction to go, and when it is just your fears causing you to slam on the breaks on what is otherwise a clear, good path.

So, how do we plug our ears to that croon, and find healthier ways for dealing with our pain, and caring for ourselves? The first key is to look outward, not within. Forward, not back. Now, it is important to be able to look at situations (and ourselves) to become honestly aware of the causes behind things ( be it mistakes we our own selves made, or people who may be harmful to us despite what our hearts want to believe), but there is a big difference between productive, honest examination… and just wallowing in the hurt and self-deceptions to further swell the magnitude of things. Our thoughts and perceptions are what mold us, and have the most power in determining our choices, and how we view our own selves and our potential. It essentially is Dumbo’s feather in reverse ( and this is a phrase I have said many times over the years through my efforts in helping others). What we believe, we become. What we tell ourselves is possible, impossible etc.. to achieve– we fulfill. I have done study (as well as self-application) on the Law of Attraction, and do truly believe in/ have experienced the benefits of positive manifestation ….which essentially is striving to change our patterns of thinking in order to lift our restrictions, and open doors of positive possibilities for our own selves. When we are positive, believe in ourselves, and see potential for ourselves….once again, that feather comes into play, and seems to help us to fly.

Now, I will take this more into a spiritual, and personal direction.

Hebrews 4:16

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need

Psalm 73:23-26

Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.

Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Jeremiah 29 11-13

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

John 8:12

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Okay, its obvious were I am now going with this, but I will try to refrain myself from citing a number of additional scriptures that essentially reflect the same guidance. Ultimately, so much comes down to our faith, and the ability to trust and place our worries, struggles, fears, and…pain…. into the hands of Heavenly Father. It is so easy to let ourselves drown, and lose sight of not only our own selves and ultimate goals, hopes etc…. but despair sometimes has the affect of depleting us spiritually, and leading us away from God—be it through wrong choices influenced by the negative factors and desperation within us, or even a sense of abandonment. It can be helpful to remember that fundamentally we are here to learn, grow, and make choices that determine so much in regard to who we become, and where we place priorities…and none of that would be possible without facing trials and heartbreak. If everything went our way, if everyone loved us, if everything we wanted could easily be obtained…how would we grow? How would we be able to truly appreciate things/ people/ blessings, and even be able to discover who we truly are, and what we are capable of if we never faced challenges, or experienced loss? It is through our struggles and mistakes that we gain understanding, compassion, appreciation, and yes, we can even achieve deeper faith when we remember which direction we should turn.

Personally, I have been there. Many times. Like everyone else… I have known cruelty. I have had my heart broken. I have been emotionally isolated from the support and love of others. Many times I have slipped into that tempting abyss, but even when I was a scared, hurting child… there was always comfort to be found through prayer, and the knowledge that I was not really alone, and that I was loved by the one who truly mattered. As an adult, the same belief and faith that served me when I was a child often was (is) what held the key to lifting me out of deep places….through prayer I no longer was silent and invisible, and through trust and faith… truly giving my burdens over….light finally broke through the darkness, and even has frequently resulted in the gift of understanding that I do not think I would have gained in any other way. Often it is through our deepest suffering that we can truly learn about what is important, become strong, discover that light and beauty can always be found…. and gain compassion, awareness, and understanding for the struggles that others face. Often I have felt that my experiences may have been so that I could learn things that will be of aid and comfort to others…and to me, that is one of the greatest blessings that I can think of—not only to help ease the trials and pains that others experience, but because it is often through service, and loving those beyond ourselves that we can discover our own wounds have quietly healed ( typically when we were not even “looking”), and that we have risen out of our own personal depths. A very real cure to feeling pity for ourselves literally exists in doing the exact opposite—caring for others.

Resisting the temptation of self-pity is not easy, and for most people is not something that can just be done with a casual snap of the fingers. Obviating misery’s song often requires a form of mental training and discipline—just as is needed with any bad habit, or thing we would like to change about ourselves. I would be lying to say that all my sadness has been erased, but the difference for me now is that the sadness and pain does not rule me—my fears and past are no longer hidden things in a closet that can pounce at any moment and pull me into the dark. Do I still have longing for things that are not exactly available to me? Yes, but again, I have learned to recognize/ accept that those inner needs are there, but at the same time do not allow them to have primary focus, and thus drown-out the blessings that I do have before me. Sometimes it reminds me a little of what happens when you fast for an extended time—at first, hunger seems to dominate and control everything, but after a couple days it diminishes, and you become free of the constant, demanding pounding… it may still be there, but you learn how to be selective about what you choose to focus on, and thus gain freedom and control. It truly is about self-control, perspective, and the ability/clarity to make better choices for yourself. Additionally, acceptance is something that can be a crucial element in healing and moving forward. Sometimes we simply have to be able to address and face the things that have harmed us, and even accept that the pain and scars may not fully go away, but that it does not mean they need to be given the power to dictate our future potential, or forever hold us back. Lastly, forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves and others is something that frees us, and severs the ropes that lead to those anchors in the dark depths…. through forgiveness we are able to start anew, move forward, and once again… not give focus and power to the things that will only lead us backwards into self-destruction. We have been gifted with renewing grace, and its important that we also remember to grant it to our own selves.

So, essentially… have faith, direct your thoughts in positive directions, service to others…and….Be happy. 🙂

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The absolute most common issue those in my profession see? Clients who only want to hear… what they want to hear. Sometimes it can be very perplexing as to why they are even bothering coming to me for answers and guidance when they already have the answers that they want scripted and ingrained within their heads. It doesn’t matter what I say, they will either reject it and replace it with what they want, or twist it into what they want the result to be. Sometimes I can spend a great deal of time going over everything, carefully detailing the reasons why it will not result in what they are hoping for…. and right when I think I have gotten through to them, they will ask, “So, its going to work-out, right?” Cue Delaney planting her head into her keyboard. Often they ignore blaring signs that the situation is not going to result in what they desire… down to being directly told by the person of desire that they no-longer want to interact, that they won’t leave their spouse ( sigh…don’t get me started), and various other elements and obstacles that just do not line things-up in the way that is needed for healthy, lasting, positive results. Its akin to skipping down a street with signs everywhere warning of danger, “Turn around! Dead End! Bottomless Sink hole ahead! He will break your heart and run-off with your best friend Fred!” Nevertheless, I do my best to be compassionate and patient, and try to find ways to help the person to understand, and possibly even steer their focus in better directions…because I understand full-well what it is like to be in love, and to hope for the impossible.

Everyone just wants to be loved (especially by those that they themselves love), and it can be shattering not to obtain it. However, I have found myself in situations with clients where I finally had to drop my hands, and tell them outright that the answers will not change—especially when a great deal of time has passed, and over and over they have rejected the answer in front of them, and continue to act baffled that it does not ultimately result in what they want. I give it a final effort to explain to them that unless they are willing to listen to what I have been saying, and open themselves to considering other possibilities/ the truth of the situation….there is nothing more that I can do for them….nothing more that I can say. They are free to believe what they want to, and continue to follow that path and act on it, but I no-longer will be able to assist them since they do not truly listen to, or accept my guidance—they will be on their own, and have to deal with the results. It is always hard for me to have to step-back, and it makes me feel horrible, and worried for the person and what heartbreak I know waits for them…..but sometimes I have no choice but to let them discover it for their own selves since they were not willing to accept anything other than what they wanted to believe/hear. Then, often… eventually they do re-appear, finally having discovered the truth for themselves in some devastating way that could have been avoided had they been willing to open themselves previously…..and then we start the tedious work of rebuilding and moving forward. That is, assuming that they do not turn right back down that road to see if someone has filled-in the sink hole.

The reason I am mentioning this is because an odd thought/correlation occurred to me this morning. Often when we pray we ask for answers and guidance—to know if the path we are on is correct. However, how often do we truly listen? How often do we want to believe the answer is what we desperately want it to be, and thus let our own voice, desires, desperation etc… drown-out the true answer? Do we ignore the obvious indications that it is not the right choice, and convince ourselves that it is the right one via telling ourselves that we got the answer that it is so? Hold it up as validation? What of when it involves out-right making justifications to ourselves to over-look the blatant obstacles, and maybe even things we know are wrong….but want to ignore, twist-around, brush aside etc… just to set our eyes on what is hoped for?

James 4:3
Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

Essentially, it means that you ask, but do not receive/hear the answer because you ask with the wrong intentions—because you want the result to be for your own gain, pleasure, joy, rewards etc.. ( fill in the blank). Thus, it basically is praying for an answer, when really you are not open to hearing anything other than the answer that you want to receive….the answer that fits your motives and desires. I imagine it can work a bit in reverse too ( meaning when you let fears drown-out the answer because it is something that you are afraid to accept, face, or do).

I know that hearing what I want to hear is a mistake that I have made many times, and will make again….its so hard not to muddle things sometimes. Even as a dreamer, though the dreams themselves are almost always true, I tend to have the human failing of interpreting things incorrectly to favor what I want the meaning to be…. and then later find myself dumbfounded when I put the pieces together and discover what the true meaning was that I either previously missed, or twisted. If I can do that even when things are basically spelled-out, then how much harder is it to separate our own inner “wanting” voice from that of the spirit? The more we want something, the louder and more driven our inner voice is…. and thus, the harder it can be to truly hear the answer over our own pounding commotion.

I cannot help but think about how I feel when I watch these kind of situations unfold with those I try to help. I care for, and invest myself into my clients, and want the best for them… and to see them happy and fulfilled. I often become greatly distressed and worried when I cannot get through to them, and can see that they are heading down a path that is anything but a daisy-lined yellow-brick road….but ultimately it is their choice. Sometimes there is nothing left save dropping my hands, and having to tell myself that I have done, and said all that I could… that the only option left is to step-back and let them discover it on their own, even if it means harm will happen, and a rock-bottom being hit Even so, it is agonizing to have to do. I am sure parents can also relate when it comes to sometimes just having to let children discover things for themselves. So, if it pains little mortal me to have to watch people blind and deafen themselves to answers, and suffer painful results….. how much must it pain Heavenly Father ( whose love for us is absolute and beyond our comprehension of love) to see us be closed to the true answers, and go in the directions that lead to painful lessons and loss?

So how do we solve it? How do we truly open ourselves to receive answers, and not just get pulled-along by the demanding voice of our desires? How can we tell when an answer is real, or when it is just what we want the answer to be? There likely is not a perfect answer to that, but I can share insights from what I have both seen with others, and from personal experiences. Firstly, I almost always know very quickly when a client is one who will only accept the answers that they want to hear. They often phrase their questions in ways to prompt the answers that they want, without even leaving room for the response to be something else ( such as “when will it ..” instead of “will it”). Typically, they do not want to address the complications and reasons that it will not work….they brush it aside, treat those things as not existing, tell themselves that those factors do not matter because love will rule-out, their desires are pure, noble…whatever… they just truly lock themselves down. In worst cases they can even be argumentative, and lash-out on me even when they know what I have said is true. I also even get glimpses from people that reveal that deep down they do know, but they just do not want to accept it, or even let themselves consider it for long before sliding back into the comfort of seeking the image they are holding within their mind. On the flip-side? Its almost like I feel this huge inner sigh of relief when I encounter someone who truly is open…. someone who, even though they may have hope for a particular outcome, is still open, and willing to look at all the elements involved, consider other possibilities, and are able to listen with open minds and hearts—even if it is not always pleasant. It makes my job so much easier because I can truly be honest, and address the issues without having to tip-toe around extreme sensitivity or denial, and do not have to figure-out methods to spoon-feed things to people in ways that might help them to grasp things without tempestuous reactions. It also gives me hope that the person can avoid greater pain and loss when they are willing to accept the truth behind things.

So, how does the above correlate to being receptive to true answers when we pray? We have to approach it with both a calm, open mind, and heart….and not from a place of desperation, excitement, or floating stars and rainbows etc…that can taint and interfere with the true answers. We have to be willing to truly look at, and consider other possibilities, and even the negative factors and obstacles that are in the way. If we find that we struggle with being open-minded and honest with ourselves even when not praying/ seeking for answers….that is not a very good sign that we will be open, and willing to hear anything but what we want to hear (especially if the real answer touches on the things we are not wanting to look at/accept). So perhaps taking the time to calmly, truly face things, and look at all angles etc…prior to asking/praying, can at least put us in a more balanced, and open mind-set that could help us to be more receptive to the truth that is sent to us. Additionally, we have to be mindful of any justifications or excuses that we make in situations (especially if they go against what we know to be right/true)…because usually that is indication of something we do not want to admit to, or want to twist in some way to convince our selves that it it is good/ leading to the right place….and thus, is most likely to be something generated by our own selves and desires. Lastly, be wary of any “answers” that lead you astray of your beliefs, integrity, morals etc… and most importantly, leads you in a direction away from God. It may feel great, wonderful, happy-floaty….but if that path is leading in the opposite direction of where you should be….well, then it should be reason enough to at least pause to ask yourself if it is possible that you are just hearing the answers that you want to hear.

Myself, I try to do the above when I have important choices and issues that I want to seek guidance through prayer for. I do my best to calm my inner self, set my personal longings aside (though that is easier said than done), and sometimes even fast and meditate prior to help put myself into a “cleaner” state physically, mentally, and spiritually. Is it fool proof? No, but I find that it does help, and it is worth the time and investment to take those steps. It is when I am “open” that I am most likely to have prayers that are followed by dreams ( which I realize will sound bonkers to some who are reading, but those dreams have often provided much needed insights, and been out-right life saving at times, so I personally know to trust, and take heed when those kind of dreams come—even when they show things that are painful, or against what I personally want. I don’t know why I receive them, I just sometimes do, and have since I was a young child).

So, essentially, awareness is the first step, and most important factor when it comes to being able to consider the possibility that our own longings can interfere with receiving personal revelation/ answers. The best any of us can do is try to be truly open when we seek, and willing to accept what it is that we hear…even if it is a small voice that can easily be drowned-out or brushed aside.