This is what results when my rambling mind will not allow sleep—–I get an urge to actually follow-through with a brief idea from earlier in the day ( or rather, yesterday). I had a blog for professional purposes a couple of years ago, but ceased writing due to a change of policy by company I contract through ( they stated that any written materials used in promotions would become their property, and could not be used anywhere/ for anything else etc….). I am thinking that I might use it as a place for random musings, reactions, things that I am focused on. I think it will be nice to write more from my own thoughts and life happenings, rather than with the angle of intending to cater to the interest of clients. Whether I will keep with it is a bit of a mystery, I intend to start projects of this nature with big intentions, but then get pulled-away to other pursuits and time consumers.
I added a couple of my old blog entries/ articles just to get something in the pot, and to give a taste of what it is I do when not talking about my cats on facebook, or singing in the bathroom. This blog here though will be more personal in nature. I think. Will just see how it organically develops.
Over the course of having helped a couple thousand clients over the years, I have seen so many relationship situations– what works, what does not ( and what frequently are common scenarios/ issues)……and thus my plan is to just give occasional tips here on my blog.
Today’s topic has to do with being true to yourself. In our desire and eagerness to be loved, and to make relationships work, it is very common and natural to try to “fit” ourselves as closely as we can to match the person of desire. Sometimes this can be in small supportive ways (such as taking an interest in the sports they like, or music they listen to), but it sometimes goes much beyond that. It is not uncommon to change religions, move location, alter personal career plans and goals—however I think as risky as these changes can be ( especially in the religion area, too often people do that just to please their partner, without truly having their heart in it… and that creates problems both in the relationship, and on personal levels), what often takes the most toll is when we change our opinions, habits, preferences, individual quirks….. little pieces of ourselves that make-up our larger unique whole. “Oh he doesn’t like the way that I laugh, he doesn’t like my tea cup collection, he thinks I am too talkative….” It may at first seem a small price to change and re-make ourselves in order to gain a relationship, and possibly even marriage……but in the long-run it can come at such an extreme cost. Eventually it will backfire.
Firstly, when we try to alter ourselves, it means we are not being true to the relationship ( let alone our own selves). It means that in a way, the relationship is being based on little tiny lies—-that we are falling in love with each other on premises that are not solid, honest, or true. Eventually the strain of having to go against our inner grain affects the relationship, causes resentments, and can even cause great shock when things unravel, and the two people discover they are not at all who they thought each other were. Sadly, this is a common story of what happens after marriage has been achieved. The couple tries so hard to mold themselves to each other, and to hold-on for that ultimate goal and achievement of marriage……and then later once it is achieved, and they actually have to live with each other and maintain those facades, it just becomes too much. I think this is a large contributing factor as to why so many marriages end after only a couple years. It certainly has been a primary factor that I have seen repeated for so many. People simply discover that things were not as they seemed.
It is far better to be your own self, little quirks and all. It may off-put some prospective matches, but at least when you find the right one who truly loves you for who you really are–then that means you have a true relationship that can last. Not only will the relationship be solid, honest, and one where you truly know each other……..but you also will not have to operate under the strain of trying to force yourself into a different mold. It means you are free to love your own self, be strong in your own identity, AND share in a genuine loving relationship free in the knowledge that they love YOU, and not just some persona that you have created.
As much as we want to be loved, and be with someone, it is not worth the price of having to lose your own self in the process.
Life can be very scary. There are so many desires and goals, yet also on the flip-side numerous unknowns and factors that we cannot control. This results in a lot of stress, and often focusing on things in a way that can become unhealthy. Be it hoping for a relationship to mend, or to land that great job, get into that school……sometimes there is only so much we can physically do—-and yet still we focus, clench, and watch the phone. Other things get neglected in the process, and it can become difficult to attend to the other factors, activities, and people in our lives. In some cases it can become hard to find any joy in anything due to all focus being placed on the one thing desired.
I guess what I am saying is, sometimes we really just need to accept that we cannot control everything—or make it happen when, and how we want it to. Sometimes we have to just be able to tell ourselves that we have done everything that we can, and then try to let go and trust the rest of it in the hands of God. Relax, let go, live in the moment and drink in what comes to us, what is around us…..be grateful for what we do have, instead of creating a form of self-torture for that one thing we are reaching for.
In so many ways, it is like watching a pot come to a boil. If we sit and stare, wait, count each tiny little bubble……. the wait and process can be agonizing and seem to take an eternity. However, when we step away from the stove and focus on, and enjoy other things for a while…..well, then almost like magic we find that pot boiling and ready for what we need. The same is so true in life. We have the choice of locking ourselves down into a state of negative focus on a single thing, or allowing ourselves to roll with what comes, and enjoy what else life has to offer in the mean time.
A very frequent question that I am asked is, ” Are they my soulmate?”. I feel that it is not my place to make that determination, because it is such a personal kind of bond. Additionally, I find it hard to believe that we would be given only one chance at having that kind of relationship/bond. I have often seen people lose loved ones that they considered to be their “mate”, and then go on to form new, intense, loving bonds that they also felt could be defined as being a soulmate connection. This includes those who have survived the death of a spouse.
Truly? I think that there are many forms of soulmates. I do not think it is limited to just a romantic bond, but rather can also be found in special relationships with family and friends. I am sure most everyone has someone in their lives who they just feel a deep heart connection to—-someone who you feel just understands you to your core, and vice versa. That best friend from grade school, or the grandmother who always seemed to know what was in your mind and heart. Personally, without hesitation I could say I feel a soulmate kind of bond with my sister. She is “my person”, and I could not imagine a world without her.
So many people operate under the stress of the assumption that they only have the one chance. I have seen heartbreak and great distress from those who believe that they have lost their only hope and opportunity—-literal belief that since they missed the bus ( such as letting someone “get away”), it means they will have no other chance at love in their lives. This simply is not true. Please take heart, and know that soulmates (and love!) are something that can grow and form. When our hearts are hurting and yearning it may feel like the end, but really love is an amazing thing. It can grow in the most unexpected places, be repaired, and even created anew.
My advice? Keep your heart, and your mind open. Try not to burden or restrict yourself with the mindset that there is only one possible match in a sea of millions. Love can be found in so many places, and in many forms.
It always amazes me how peaceful and happy I feel simply from picking up some drawing paper and pencils. No matter how many things are pressing on my mind, what worries have had me frazzled during the day……once I start drawing, I typically become focused, calm, and even am prone to start humming or singing to myself. It has something to do with the creative outlet of pent-up energy, as well as some form of shifting of gears that happens in the brain when you take on a pleasurable task. For some people they find these kind of results and responses when they garden, knit, build, write……anything that diverts negative energy and thinking into positive. When you create, you are adding something new and positive into the world, so it makes sense why it would feel so good to be the one creating it.
Anyone who has worked with children can likely testify that there is a special kind of magic found in crayons, construction paper, and pipe cleaners. Even the most unruly, loud, obstinate children can suddenly become happy and focused when presented with creative busy-work to sink into. They thrive off of it. For many children arts and crafts are their favorite activity in school, and smart teachers find ways to incorporate it into other subjects of learning. This is why it is so important to support the arts in schools, because for so many children it is the thing that binds it all together, and helps their minds develop. For myself, all through my education years ( even college), I often would doodle along the sides and corners of my notes. To some people it may have looked like I was not paying attention, but for me….those little drawings helped to center me, and turn my brain on. I was far more likely to be focused on the teachers and lessons while I drew that little fairy, then if I was gazing outward with my mind on a completely different planet.
I often get stuck in a rut of sorts where I long and crave to pick-up some paint brushes, but find myself saying I will have to do it later, there is no time now, I have to be responsible and use my time for practical things etc….. this is likely something we all do when it comes to restricting the projects and activities we find joy in, but consider to be non-essential when allotting our precious time. I think this is backwards. I think taking the time to knit that hat, build that model, bake that cake…..is just what we need to feel whole, balanced, and positive—and thus makes us stronger and better able to handle the more daunting tasks life requires of us.
Is there something you love to do, but have not done for a long time? Go pull the box out, dust off your sewing machine, stretch your water-color paper. You owe it to yourself to feed your soul and energy with something positive. You also might just beautify the world a little in the process.