Over the course of having helped a couple thousand clients over the years, I have seen so many relationship situations– what works, what does not ( and what frequently are common scenarios/ issues)……and thus my plan is to just give occasional tips here on my blog.
Today’s topic has to do with being true to yourself. In our desire and eagerness to be loved, and to make relationships work, it is very common and natural to try to “fit” ourselves as closely as we can to match the person of desire. Sometimes this can be in small supportive ways (such as taking an interest in the sports they like, or music they listen to), but it sometimes goes much beyond that. It is not uncommon to change religions, move location, alter personal career plans and goals—however I think as risky as these changes can be ( especially in the religion area, too often people do that just to please their partner, without truly having their heart in it… and that creates problems both in the relationship, and on personal levels), what often takes the most toll is when we change our opinions, habits, preferences, individual quirks….. little pieces of ourselves that make-up our larger unique whole. “Oh he doesn’t like the way that I laugh, he doesn’t like my tea cup collection, he thinks I am too talkative….” It may at first seem a small price to change and re-make ourselves in order to gain a relationship, and possibly even marriage……but in the long-run it can come at such an extreme cost. Eventually it will backfire.
Firstly, when we try to alter ourselves, it means we are not being true to the relationship ( let alone our own selves). It means that in a way, the relationship is being based on little tiny lies—-that we are falling in love with each other on premises that are not solid, honest, or true. Eventually the strain of having to go against our inner grain affects the relationship, causes resentments, and can even cause great shock when things unravel, and the two people discover they are not at all who they thought each other were. Sadly, this is a common story of what happens after marriage has been achieved. The couple tries so hard to mold themselves to each other, and to hold-on for that ultimate goal and achievement of marriage……and then later once it is achieved, and they actually have to live with each other and maintain those facades, it just becomes too much. I think this is a large contributing factor as to why so many marriages end after only a couple years. It certainly has been a primary factor that I have seen repeated for so many. People simply discover that things were not as they seemed.
It is far better to be your own self, little quirks and all. It may off-put some prospective matches, but at least when you find the right one who truly loves you for who you really are–then that means you have a true relationship that can last. Not only will the relationship be solid, honest, and one where you truly know each other……..but you also will not have to operate under the strain of trying to force yourself into a different mold. It means you are free to love your own self, be strong in your own identity, AND share in a genuine loving relationship free in the knowledge that they love YOU, and not just some persona that you have created.
As much as we want to be loved, and be with someone, it is not worth the price of having to lose your own self in the process.